Apr 12 AT 2:09 PM Dustin Earley 14 Comments

CrApp of the Week: Jersey Shore x Mega Man makes me want to cry

pauly d

“FIRE UP THAT TANNING BED AND BREAK OUT THE HAIRGEL! DJ Pauly D is here with a ton of fistpumpin’ fun.” Yes! It’s just what I’ve been waiting for! A game starring Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly D that steals heavily borrows character design from the original Mega Man series! No, no. Wait a second. This is all wrong. That’s exactly what I don’t want.

When DJ Pauly D was first brought to my attention, and I took a gander at the app listing, I was surprised. A solid 3.8 stars? I’ve used great apps that have been ranked worse than this. So I choked up the courage to drop $2 on this bad boy and hoped for the best.

Here’s the thing about DJ Pauly D – Beat that Boardwalk. The gameplay isn’t really all that bad. It’s like Streets of Rage, but without the fighting. Just moving up and down. And jumping. If I were giving this my opinion free review, I’d probably say something like, “with relatively solid gameplay, if you like Jersey Shore and have a spare $2 in your bank account, you might want to give Pauly D the game a shot.”

But this isn’t that review.

This is the review where I can barely hold back my loathing for the disgusting freak show that is Jersey Shore. Everything about the app amplifies that by about x50. From the email announcing the app (“The player did G.T.L. right when they get a ‘Guido Streak”, starting to look frail well the players know its time for ‘Going to the Gym’, and when Pauly D’s skin starts to look moon color the users know its time for ‘Going to get a tan.),’ to the app listing itself (“BOMB THE BOARDWALK! BOARDWALKERS, MUSIC AND BLING! PUMP IRON TO ACTIVATE JUICEHEAD MODE! STOP AND TAKE TAN! LAUNDROMATS KEEP YOU LOOKIN’ FLY!” yes I swear those are real quotes), everything screams, “this is what’s wrong with the youth of our nation!”

And did I mention the characters look an awful lot like the characters from the original Mega Man series? Way to stomp on my childhood.

I could never take a game like this seriously. Which is exactly why it’s the CrApp of the Week. If you’re a rich sadist, or there’s just something wrong with you, go ahead and download DJ Pauly D – Beat the Boardwalk. Or you can take my word for it. That $2 could be far better spent not doing virtual laundry, TAKING TAN and PUMPING IRON.

 

Dustin Earley: Tech enthusiast; avid gamer; all around jolly guy.

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